Mood:  down

This is the email I sent to Jay...it's self-explanatory you'll get exactly how I felt and what I mean and possibly what I am going to do just by reading the email!

 Love could never be a good thing because you can put so much into and never get nothing out of it...and it most certainly isn't justified and you never know when it is true! I knew I should have just went on letting my last "love" relationship dictate my futures supposed-to-be ones because it's only from experience that you know what's best for you and what's not...Jay you said that you never been in love so you didn't know the feeling and you wanted to know it I guess....but you are not feeling that~in my opinion~you can't possibly love somebody that you say stuff like "we don't ever have to see each other again" or "we don't never have to talk again"...and that saying 'words will never hurt' is so untrue because you'll never know how I felt when you said those things to me. Remember when you said that you will never do anything to hurt me...that was sort of a lie...you didn't do anything but your words is bad enough. How can I stay in a relationship like this,where time an!
d time again something goes very wrong between us,aren't we so predictable?!You say you love me,but how much??You really need to think about that...I don't want you to answer it because I think I already know! You don't love me,you only like me alot~if that much~...Never again will I ever feel this way!

Mood:  happy

I still am trying to live Holy and it's getting easier by the day...God is helping to take the load off my shoulder although the devil has trapped me in his plan sometimes I found a way to pull through and get back on track...life is good and I regret them times where I had wanted to kill mines. Now I have to look at my arm and see what I've done to myself...I hate that I had tried to slit my wrist and now the scars are here to remind me...everytime I look at my arm!

But Jay is great! He really is,and I can't believe that I once thought to try and leave me and him alone....he is really a great person and the light to my life...I never once thought I'd fall in love with him but it's happened! I am going tomorrow to get his Christmas gift it is going to be a polo shirt with our name spray-painted on it~that's what he asked for~ and after Christmas we are taking pictures and he is going to wear that shirt~I have to buy me a shirt like that also...and on New Years Eve we are going downtown with our sister,Merisha, and her boyfriend then to TGI Fridays we are going to have too fun! Keunna is coming to my house on the 24th to spend some time together and watch Christmas movies and eat...hava like a Christmas spirit girls night-in! We are going to have much fun...I just want to live life to the fullest.

Fast Fact: Akeem Forbes and I can never talk again because the horrible things he said on Tagged

~Living Good~

Princess

Life? It has been good I guess....all I have is school, friends, family, God, church, and Jay. I mean they all is great!  But around this time of the year I have yet nothing at all to do! When I mean nothing I mean something fun...the only time I have fun is when I am with Jay and the fun is always limited because eventually we argue and fight because of something that's not worth the drama! I love him and all but sometimes he makes me want to leave him...but I know I couldn't~atleast not for now~....well I tried to lastnight but I couldn't...I really don't want to go into detail about the situation so I will leave it at that~plus a tear I shed from the whole thing!~ but that's about all!

Fast Fact: I saw Aaron and DeAngelo at the bus stop....DeAngelo from 4th grade he didnt recognize me though!

~Bored But Good~

Princess

Mood:  cool

I guess school is going well and so is my new life. I think that this whole thing is working out great! I am praying daily, singing Holy songs, not cursing, I must admit I have lied twice: I told a lady I didn't have a quarter but I whind up giving it to her and prayed after I lied,I told the librarian my friend tore my pass and I still feels bad about that now! I also got mad at my brother and raised my voice at him and I also feel bad about that! I could never be perfect but I am trying to be better...as time goes by it will all soak into me! But I am about to go to this youth rally now so I have to go!

Fast Fact: I talked to Akeem lastnight on the phone~conversation was nice~ but I think he is scared to talk to me face-to-face now...because when I was around him he seemed so tense and hardly looked at me!

~Doing Fine~

Princess

Mood:  happy

Everything is going great I mean like I wrote Jay a poem telling him how I felt: I'm in love with him. He is so emotional, he had cried. I can't think of a more pefect boy to be with...I know this is sort of impossible but this relationship is PERFECT...well if there was to be a pefect we would be just that, I wouldn't have it any other way with any other boy. It's like when we are together we have fuun, talking on the phone is okay and all but we barely be having anything to talk about. I can't wait to see him today though because it feels like I haven't seen him in like forever when in reality I just saw him on Sunday, but that really don't count because we got mad at each other and weren't really talking. But he is all I ever think about,all I ever write about...I never even really write about my social life because he is all I think so all I do is write about my personal life..he is so wonderful,so good for me. Even though I love when we kiss,that's not even the best part about us...it's just hearing his voice or his name is the best part about it~that's how I really know that I'm in love with him~but even better is when he write or tells me that he in love with me or just say he loves me,I think of them as the best moments...you know like the finer things in life! I miss him right now so much,everything he do makes me so happy even when I can't stand him!

Well let me start about my social life,although I rarely have anything to say but I talked to Antawanna on the phone last night...she was telling me about her life and how things been going..I miss her and was very happy to talk to her,we talked for about 2 hours..I really hope to see her soon,Destiny and I have been talking also I miss her too and was happy that we got a chance to catch up on things then she suppose to come to my church this Sunday and so does Andrew once I ask him to...even me and him had a pretty long talk for about 3 hours on the phone one night,I must admit I feel so sorry and guilty for chating on him with Marquette~me and him didn't even last for more than a week~ but well that's so over with though, but the shame still remains. But he isn't mad about it we talked about it and he is alright,I miss him also. It must seem now like I miss everyone, and technically I do because I love everyone! But I am sort of worried about this girl I claim as my sister that used to go to church with me, her name is Jacarla, but she now is in Texas it's just that she told me that she think she is pregnant with this 13 year old boy that doesn't talk to her anymore and she hasn't been to school in 2 weeks plus her mom has no clue of this all. I just pray to God that it isn't so,and it hurts my heart to know that such a blessing could be a tragedy...being pregnant is a wonderful thing just the onbringning of a new born in this world free to become anything they put their minds to is a such a wonderful thing to me but it turns to a tragedy when you get pregnant at such a young age and it she goes through with the whole process she can be messing her life up and possibly the baby's, being so young and uneducated can be a dreadful thing and it's be hard to go somewhere from that... I wanted to tell her to get an abortion but I don't believe in killing that's just like murder to me but I now don't have the answer because either way it goes she'll be doing a horrendous thing..but I wish her the best, and wish that it's negative...I really care about her and want her to make something of herself and hold off until she is out of college to wait to have a child.

I am trying to make changes to myself now, I am trying become more Holy.. and change my life style,I am trying to stop cussing because I am a young lady and talking like that is not cute nor how a young lady shall talk. I will not fight, and I will do my best to make all things right. When my parents ask something of me I will do it without smart remarks or complaints, and without catching an attitude. I will treat all people as though they shall be treated, with respect and never degrade or downgrade anyone for any reason, whether they do it to me or not! I will go to church every Sunday and try to make it every Wednesday and get more actively involved there, I will pray 3 times a day. I will not be selfish, if someone is in need of anything I will try my best to provide for them. Honesty, integrity, and loyalty will play a huge role in what I will become. I will study atleast an hour a day even if there is something else I would rather want to do. No boy will come before my education, I will work hard for what I get and what I want as well as need. Even if it isn't me that done wrong I will apologize. I promise I will try to live up to these rules I set for myself and if I fail to succeed I will get back up and try again!

Mood:  lucky

You can never control what happens in a relationship all you can ever do is to try and prevent it but what is the point of that...believe in "let go and let flow"...I am now learning that. Whatever happened in the past shouldn't dictate my future. Jay was right I am letting C.J control my relationship without him even talking to me!  But now I am brand new after me and Jay conversation tonight...I'll never find love if I can't let go of C.J's even when I know that he's no loner mines...I will not deny that I still love him~I believe it in my heart that I do~but the question is do he feel the same way too!? I wont linger on the question for too long because that doesn't matter the most important thing at the moment is trying to build this love with Jay. He told me today that he was in love with me but I couldn't tell him the same and I just know it's all C.J's doing but no more does this matter...I will fall in love with Jay and that's a fact.

Fast Fact: Me,Jay,and Merisha went to see This Christmas Wednesday and me and Jay tongue kissed for the first time~his first time~.

~Falling in love or just falling out?~

Princess

Mood:  not sure

I was just googling love...it might sound lame but I really want to make sure I have a crystal clear understanding of what exactly love is and if I really want to continue to implement my plans of being in love with Jay... I don't want to just fall for him now before I am sure that it is a substantial emotion in my heart and in my mind. I never doubted it,but I have questioned it before because this a serious matter. Love is not auxiliary to lust so I just don't want to confuse the two... I don't know maybe my insecurities are getting the better half of me!

Fast Fact: Merisha and Grandpa Kenny hooked up lastnight!

~UMM...~

Princess

Mood:  not sure

My head hurt and my mind is boggled. I don't have the answer for this situation and I really don't know what to do. I don't want to disappoint him and I really don't want to tell him something that I don't know if I feel or not.

Last night me and Jay had a very serious conversation,he says he is falling for me and no doubt I have already fallen for him,but I didn't fall in love with him....but he told me that he loves me and it's a real serious thing to him because love is like being in love to him,it's a very big step in a relationship in his mind. But he says I push him away emotionally but I don't try to...it's just that I know he is getting real serious about us and is fighting to keep us together but I just want to protect my heart...I don't want to feel the pain and misery that I went through when me and C.J broke up again...and that's what I fear most will become of me and Jay. He is like a clone of CJ...how I always want to be everything to him as though I did with CJ and he is telling me he will never do anything to break my heart or ever intentionally hurt me...he is just telling me these things but he is just foretelling the future blindly...he doesn't know what will happen and neither do I...but like Demarkis said I just have to let go and let it flow. I will take Demarkis advice...because I too love Jay.

Fast Fact: It's been 2 weeks and 5 days me and Jay been together.

~Curious:Am I in love?~

Princess

Mood:  down

It's like my mind and my heart is at war... I really don't know which will win...it'z hhard to side with either or!! I really would like to be with Davontay and see how things go with him...but then it's hard to just leave Jar knowing how much he loves me...and I don't want to break his heart because I know how that feels...Remebering how C.J did me...then it's like C.J left me for another girl that really didn't even want to be with him...so what if I make the same mistake like him!! I just don't want to be put into that situation!! But Jar sometimes irritate me now though...and it's like I think of Davontay all the time and I be wanting to be with him all the time,he makes me laugh and makes me so happy...but I can't foretell the future so I don't know if it will work out if I leave Jar for Davontay...he telling me it will but I can't be sure of that!!

FastFact: I got sent to the office on Wednesday for play fighting with Kareem...it was fun tho'!

~So indecisive~
Princess

Mood:  sad

What happens when the person you love more than life lies to you~ but typically it's not a lie it's just that you been believing one thing then finally one day they tell you the truth....well basically it's a lie because the person let you go on believing the lie!! So now you so confused because you thought that the person would never lie to you and know that they have,you don't know what else to believe and what not too??

I really wasn't mad the fact that Jermel is only 14 because I told him that I loved him under all circumstances....this slight age differences don't make a big deal. I wanted to know why he hadn't been told me,he answered because he didn't want me to break up with him.....he just have to trust me when I said nothing could stop me from feeling the way I do abot him!! I proved that my love for him is justified,he couldn't do the same!!

Fast Fact: My heart aches!!

~Not too good~

Princess