Mood:  happy

Everything is going great I mean like I wrote Jay a poem telling him how I felt: I'm in love with him. He is so emotional, he had cried. I can't think of a more pefect boy to be with...I know this is sort of impossible but this relationship is PERFECT...well if there was to be a pefect we would be just that, I wouldn't have it any other way with any other boy. It's like when we are together we have fuun, talking on the phone is okay and all but we barely be having anything to talk about. I can't wait to see him today though because it feels like I haven't seen him in like forever when in reality I just saw him on Sunday, but that really don't count because we got mad at each other and weren't really talking. But he is all I ever think about,all I ever write about...I never even really write about my social life because he is all I think so all I do is write about my personal life..he is so wonderful,so good for me. Even though I love when we kiss,that's not even the best part about us...it's just hearing his voice or his name is the best part about it~that's how I really know that I'm in love with him~but even better is when he write or tells me that he in love with me or just say he loves me,I think of them as the best moments...you know like the finer things in life! I miss him right now so much,everything he do makes me so happy even when I can't stand him!

Well let me start about my social life,although I rarely have anything to say but I talked to Antawanna on the phone last night...she was telling me about her life and how things been going..I miss her and was very happy to talk to her,we talked for about 2 hours..I really hope to see her soon,Destiny and I have been talking also I miss her too and was happy that we got a chance to catch up on things then she suppose to come to my church this Sunday and so does Andrew once I ask him to...even me and him had a pretty long talk for about 3 hours on the phone one night,I must admit I feel so sorry and guilty for chating on him with Marquette~me and him didn't even last for more than a week~ but well that's so over with though, but the shame still remains. But he isn't mad about it we talked about it and he is alright,I miss him also. It must seem now like I miss everyone, and technically I do because I love everyone! But I am sort of worried about this girl I claim as my sister that used to go to church with me, her name is Jacarla, but she now is in Texas it's just that she told me that she think she is pregnant with this 13 year old boy that doesn't talk to her anymore and she hasn't been to school in 2 weeks plus her mom has no clue of this all. I just pray to God that it isn't so,and it hurts my heart to know that such a blessing could be a tragedy...being pregnant is a wonderful thing just the onbringning of a new born in this world free to become anything they put their minds to is a such a wonderful thing to me but it turns to a tragedy when you get pregnant at such a young age and it she goes through with the whole process she can be messing her life up and possibly the baby's, being so young and uneducated can be a dreadful thing and it's be hard to go somewhere from that... I wanted to tell her to get an abortion but I don't believe in killing that's just like murder to me but I now don't have the answer because either way it goes she'll be doing a horrendous thing..but I wish her the best, and wish that it's negative...I really care about her and want her to make something of herself and hold off until she is out of college to wait to have a child.

I am trying to make changes to myself now, I am trying become more Holy.. and change my life style,I am trying to stop cussing because I am a young lady and talking like that is not cute nor how a young lady shall talk. I will not fight, and I will do my best to make all things right. When my parents ask something of me I will do it without smart remarks or complaints, and without catching an attitude. I will treat all people as though they shall be treated, with respect and never degrade or downgrade anyone for any reason, whether they do it to me or not! I will go to church every Sunday and try to make it every Wednesday and get more actively involved there, I will pray 3 times a day. I will not be selfish, if someone is in need of anything I will try my best to provide for them. Honesty, integrity, and loyalty will play a huge role in what I will become. I will study atleast an hour a day even if there is something else I would rather want to do. No boy will come before my education, I will work hard for what I get and what I want as well as need. Even if it isn't me that done wrong I will apologize. I promise I will try to live up to these rules I set for myself and if I fail to succeed I will get back up and try again!

Mood:  lucky

You can never control what happens in a relationship all you can ever do is to try and prevent it but what is the point of that...believe in "let go and let flow"...I am now learning that. Whatever happened in the past shouldn't dictate my future. Jay was right I am letting C.J control my relationship without him even talking to me!  But now I am brand new after me and Jay conversation tonight...I'll never find love if I can't let go of C.J's even when I know that he's no loner mines...I will not deny that I still love him~I believe it in my heart that I do~but the question is do he feel the same way too!? I wont linger on the question for too long because that doesn't matter the most important thing at the moment is trying to build this love with Jay. He told me today that he was in love with me but I couldn't tell him the same and I just know it's all C.J's doing but no more does this matter...I will fall in love with Jay and that's a fact.

Fast Fact: Me,Jay,and Merisha went to see This Christmas Wednesday and me and Jay tongue kissed for the first time~his first time~.

~Falling in love or just falling out?~

Princess

Mood:  not sure

I was just googling love...it might sound lame but I really want to make sure I have a crystal clear understanding of what exactly love is and if I really want to continue to implement my plans of being in love with Jay... I don't want to just fall for him now before I am sure that it is a substantial emotion in my heart and in my mind. I never doubted it,but I have questioned it before because this a serious matter. Love is not auxiliary to lust so I just don't want to confuse the two... I don't know maybe my insecurities are getting the better half of me!

Fast Fact: Merisha and Grandpa Kenny hooked up lastnight!

~UMM...~

Princess

Mood:  not sure

My head hurt and my mind is boggled. I don't have the answer for this situation and I really don't know what to do. I don't want to disappoint him and I really don't want to tell him something that I don't know if I feel or not.

Last night me and Jay had a very serious conversation,he says he is falling for me and no doubt I have already fallen for him,but I didn't fall in love with him....but he told me that he loves me and it's a real serious thing to him because love is like being in love to him,it's a very big step in a relationship in his mind. But he says I push him away emotionally but I don't try to...it's just that I know he is getting real serious about us and is fighting to keep us together but I just want to protect my heart...I don't want to feel the pain and misery that I went through when me and C.J broke up again...and that's what I fear most will become of me and Jay. He is like a clone of CJ...how I always want to be everything to him as though I did with CJ and he is telling me he will never do anything to break my heart or ever intentionally hurt me...he is just telling me these things but he is just foretelling the future blindly...he doesn't know what will happen and neither do I...but like Demarkis said I just have to let go and let it flow. I will take Demarkis advice...because I too love Jay.

Fast Fact: It's been 2 weeks and 5 days me and Jay been together.

~Curious:Am I in love?~

Princess

Mood:  down

It's like my mind and my heart is at war... I really don't know which will win...it'z hhard to side with either or!! I really would like to be with Davontay and see how things go with him...but then it's hard to just leave Jar knowing how much he loves me...and I don't want to break his heart because I know how that feels...Remebering how C.J did me...then it's like C.J left me for another girl that really didn't even want to be with him...so what if I make the same mistake like him!! I just don't want to be put into that situation!! But Jar sometimes irritate me now though...and it's like I think of Davontay all the time and I be wanting to be with him all the time,he makes me laugh and makes me so happy...but I can't foretell the future so I don't know if it will work out if I leave Jar for Davontay...he telling me it will but I can't be sure of that!!

FastFact: I got sent to the office on Wednesday for play fighting with Kareem...it was fun tho'!

~So indecisive~
Princess

Mood:  sad

What happens when the person you love more than life lies to you~ but typically it's not a lie it's just that you been believing one thing then finally one day they tell you the truth....well basically it's a lie because the person let you go on believing the lie!! So now you so confused because you thought that the person would never lie to you and know that they have,you don't know what else to believe and what not too??

I really wasn't mad the fact that Jermel is only 14 because I told him that I loved him under all circumstances....this slight age differences don't make a big deal. I wanted to know why he hadn't been told me,he answered because he didn't want me to break up with him.....he just have to trust me when I said nothing could stop me from feeling the way I do abot him!! I proved that my love for him is justified,he couldn't do the same!!

Fast Fact: My heart aches!!

~Not too good~

Princess

Mood:  happy

I haven't written in this for some time.Well yesterday was my homecoming. Alexis went with me,it was fun. I only juked one person though!Jermel had came to see me when we got out too. The time we spend together lately has been so fun!!I really am in love with him. When we together we be joking around some times,then there are times when we would talk nd be serious and hold each other and kiss. But no matter what we are doing~I love being with him!!He is everything I could ever want in a boy....he is serious about us,funny,dress nice,smart,looks nice,and don't smoke or drink. He is the only one for me!!I love him so much!!

Fast Fact:Jermel is my one in a million

~So in love~

Princess

Mood:  a-ok

Well these last days been hectic. I mean like it's been so confusing, I went from liking Dan more than Marquise to switching it around, then all of a sudden Marquise start claiming so now we are together, then I wrote Jermel a poem breakong up with him. I am failing like 3 subject...I am starting to hate school just because of that. But pass that, everything is confusing but yet still alright. I do feel sorry for having to break Jermel heart~if I did~ I really do love him but not enough to stay and get hurt. Here is the poem

Mood:  down

It's like I am not even living life..all I do is go to school, home, homework, computer, and sleep....then wake up to do it all over again!!! I just hate that I am less than life because it makes me feel worthless and less valuable than all things, objects, and people living. Jermel used to make me happy but that only lasted for a short period of time so now I am back to being me I guess~dull and dead inside~....I like this one guy at school but he may think I am too young for him.

His name is Dan and he is a junior and by me being freshman that isn't a good mix~2 grade difference mean alot~so I guess I just have to leave him out as an option. But he just makes me smile alot every time I see him or hear his name. True! H e may not be the cutest thing walking earth but that matters less~he is the only thing walking earth that makes me feel happy inside out...and that's what matters most to me.I wish I could tell him but if he don't feel the same way about me then I'd be putting myself out there and now is not the time for all that~I just couldn't bare the depression. One girl named Carolyn thinks we would make a cute couple but I don't know about that....the age again!!!

I also like this other guy named Marquise but not as much as I like Dan.He is the guy I am going to homecoming with~one thing I am definately looking forward to and also the JROTC lock-in.

Fast Fact: I am about to break-up with Jermel~I think~

~Depressed~

Princess

Mood:  sad

It hurts when you say things to people that you really care about but later on in life you just prove that what you thought was going to happen,just doesnt work out!!!Well I told Jermel that I wanted to be with him forever and that we was going to make it last forever.,but now I am not even sure if I want to even be with him because he is starting to break all his promises!!He would tell me that he'd call back at a certain time but call back hours later after the set time,having me wait around for his call and I just don't think it's fair. He used to make me so happy and smile all the time is name was mentioned or I heard his voice,but now he makes me so sad and feel bad and I cry alot now...I am trying to hide it under the phony smirks and giggles but it really hurts.I really putted my heart into building  a good relationship for the both of us...I don't feel good I need to go to sleep.

Fast FactS:Antawanna n me was fighting Lanica,Kijuanna,and Shontia.I am failing World Studies

~Worst Ever~

Princess