I don't really want to stay but at the same time I really don't want to leave! I don't want his first love experience to be bad but how can I just allow myself to go on trying to maintain togetherness in our relationship when I really don't want to? I really do love him,but should that determine whether I should stay or leave,love doesn't justify all the wrong-doings. How could what's making me want to stay also making me want to leave? I told myself that I would love him and stay with him but now I just don't have the answer..I keep asking myself do you love him? My answer is yes...when I ask myself do you want to stay with him? My answer is kind of...when I ask myself can you leave him? My answer is no I just can't do "it" without him! Love just got me so weak now that it's almost ridiculous...but what's more ridiculous is that I have to ask myself "is this really love" because I just don't know if it is!

Fast Fact: Alexis let a stud feel on her and now she is thinking about becoming a bisexual!

~Hating Love~
Princess

Well yesterday Alexis,Demarkis,Mercedes,Jay,and I went to the movies at Ford City Mall to see One Missed Call...we missed like 10 minutes of it though because forst we went to the Food Court and all....but what we did see was good,that was a good movie! Me and Jay didn't kiss that much though like the last time or anything but still I had a good time until the end. Well we went to Wendy's afterwards Jay and Mercedes got something to eat then when we was walking out Mercedes stepped on some girl shoes and the girl rollled her eyes so Mercedes japped out and then so we was about to fight them until Jay  and Demarkis walked over to talk to them then they turned away. Then Jay come over us and we playing and everything all cool but then he said that we was going to get whooped so I got mad then cursed him out and he was getting mad because he was trying to talk to me but I wouldn't listen so he walked away and got on the bus! But I felt so bad because I loved him so much and I messed up real bad then I thought he was going to break up with me and I was getting scared,then he called and.....

All he said was that he loved me and all but that night was not cool so I apologized then we got into a deep conversation! We had a talk about sex and stuff,I didn't even feel uncomfortable talking to him about it and I even told him that if we was to get to point in our relationship that I would actually go through with it,and I meant it! I think I am ready to have that intimate sexual intercourse with him because I am in love with him,so I want to share that moment and first-time experience with him~but I think I am going to talk to my mom about this first....~too scared though~...but I been thinking about that real hard and I feel that I am ready but I am going to wait until we make it to a year before I actually go forth and actually have sex with him! I talked to my brother Nick and Aleis about it but Nick made more sense about it.....but I want to do it with him but just not now....

FastFact:Demarkis and Mercedes was kissing in the movies yesterday!

~Just Fine~

Princess

Well I cant wait until tomorrow to see Jay when we go to the show. Alexis is coming also so that should be interesting,I guess!!! We are going to see One Missed Call...so yeah I guess! I miss him already I love him to death, I wish he could understand how much I need to be with him...but I dont know how to tell him that. So I just try to show it.

Fast Fact: C.J try to come see me!

~Fine~

Princess

Yesterday I did nothing and was bored doing it! I was suppossed to had went to Alexis house but her mom was too tired to come and get me so she's on her way now to come get me! Last night it was a 3-way with me,Alexis, and Jay...they seemed to have had a nice conversation I guess! I had read him this letter that I wrote him...we getting way better I guess!...lol...I think nw I am going to start calling him baby and kissing him again! We are going to the movies on Saturday to see one missed call..I hope it be a good movie~not that I am really going to get the chance to see it much~...you know what we be doing! So yeah....I have to go before her mom comes and I can't finish my thought!

Fast Fsct: Nick and Matt said that they aint going to talk to me and Alexis anymore...we are confused cuz they just did it out of the blue!

~Ok~

Princess

Mood:  happy

As planned my day went very good yesterday! I had woke up and went to Carol house to say goodbye to Natalie and Tony and when I got home I went to the restaurant and when I got home I ate and played a game of Whell of Fortune with Bri,then went downstairs to watch T.V. Then at 10 I left out to go get Grandpa Kenny ~and went to Patrice home but she couldn't come~ then we went to the church that's when all the fun began! We had to sit through 2 hours of praise,thanks,prayer,and worship!  My favor part was the dances, praying,and being next to Jay! When that was done with I called my mom,Bri,Gran,Carol,and Tony to wish them a Happy New Years! Then I went up to go eat and talk to everyone! Then we went in the sanctuary and played a round of Taboo,then Mofia, then It! It was so much fun...of course the best time was being with Jay and just having him next to me! We had got the chance to have a one-on-one talk...we haven;t done that in a very long time and he said his favorite resolution was to be the best boyfriend he could be....I guess that's mine also but only being a girlfriend! I have it all planned in my head on how I'm going to do that! But the funnest part was when we ggot outside and was kicking snow on each pther and he picked me and and was going to slam me in the snow but he held onto me and kissed me....it was so sweet....that kiss meant so much~ all the kisses we shared meant alot but I don't know what made this one so special...maybe because it was the first kiss that we shared in like 2 weeks...and after all we said that kissed concealed it and it was the first kiss of the new years! But this year is going to be way better than the last for us because I plan to make it! He means everything to me and I don't want to loose him ever so I have to show him that he is someone I hold sacred to my heart!

Fast Fact: Other than being with Jay, my favorite part of the day was when I went over to Sister Kayaetta and held her hand and hugged her because we wasn't talking for quite some time and reuniting our bond we had and the friendship just meant so much to me!

~Good~

Princess

Well I have been fine lately I think that things are going very well for me! I have just sent an email to Sister Kayaetta apologizing about the slight difficulties we encountered on some Wednesday night, me and Jay still going strong, Patrice spent a couple of nights over here, haven't argued with Dee-Dee in a long time, it's break time! Everything has been good! Of course there always will be somebody that gets to you in a day,but I pushed that to the side. Also I feel a little bad about this but I am pretending to date Matt but it's only for his own good to make him feel better because he always sound depressed so I'm actually doing him a favor,but hoping it doesn't jeopardize me and Jay relationship.

Tomorrow I should have a very good day! It'll be New Years Eve and me and Jay's 2nd month anniversary! After work, Jay will be coming over around 5 and Sean then we will go to Grandpa Kenny's house...then we all are going to walk to the church for some "big" event that will be taking place there from 9-1...so basically I am going to be spending my whole day and part of the morning with Jay...that should definately be interesting! Then on New Years Day I will be going over Alexis house to spend a couple of nights and Nick and Matt may be coming over there so that's more fun for me!

Fast Fact: Friday was this youth rally at the church,it was great! Great pastor spoke,I danced,Jay was with me basically the whole time,Patrice was there,the play was GREAT!

~Oh So Good~

Princess

Mood:  lucky

Well I am most definately feeling better about me and Jay relationship. But I don't know how long it will be until I log back on and write that we are back to being bad!! We had a pretty nice talk and said we loved each other plentiful times today...and how much we miss each other...I told my friend this and I meant it~if I don't get nothing for Christmas all I would want was for me and Jay to go back to how we used to be~!! When you fall in love like the way I am then other things don't matter except being with that person and being happy with them! I could die by tomorrow but that wouldn't matter as long as me and Jay are good...I know that may sounds stupid but that's how much I love him...with all my heart and my heart isn't big enough so with my soul also~~...!!!Now all I need to do is tell him this...I got to get over my fear of telling a person how I feel because the thought that they might not feel the same way~right now it's not even about how he feel I just want to let him to know how much I love him and how much I mean it everytime I tell him that~words can't even explain it but I still have to tell him something!!I would like if he feel the same way but if he don't then that don't matter all that matters is if he cares about how I feel about him!! The times we hardly talked was like the worst times of my life...I can't explain how I feel...depressed aint even the word for it!!

Fast Fact: I went shopping for his gift yesterday and saw Patrice! I am soo excited Christmas is one day away!!Keunna coming over later in the day so we can have a girls night in!~

~SOOOOO In Love~

Princess

Mood:  down

10-31-07 was the day you stepped in and how foolish it was of me to think I could turn a flirt into a faithful guy! I knew exactly what I was getting myself into and yet I still got with you and put myself into this predicament! I can't believe that I feel in love with you,I hate that I love you! But I do! And I just got this feeling that you don't love me as much as I love you,it keep coming to me that you're cheating everytime I think about you...and I don't think that I am wrong either because it's a reoccuring thought...You said you would never cheat but how do I know what you do when I am not around?? I don't know what I should do...then you talked about how its like you was thinking about moving on when we stopped talking...that was bogus but I aint tripping! I think I am slowly falling out of love with you...then you had the nerves to say that you are happy that people thinking we are not together! You so stupid....I really hate you...

Maybe I should go with Matt besides he has a job~well Jay do too but he act like he don't when he always asking me for stuff (I feel as though he's a gold digger)~But Matt is so sweet and a real gentleman...I really like him and he's not like any other boy because even though he likes me he still want me and Jay to work out and even volunteered to help us!

I like Aaron alot too...he's so cute and has very pretty eyes! Me and him is going to kick it together on Wednesday...I think I am going to need that before I got to church and have to deal with Jay! Plus I think that even if Jay makes me mad I am going to be high in the sky if everything goes right with Aarom...he owes me a kiss~I wonder how that will be if it happens~...I really want to be with him but also trying to see how far me and Jay will go and for how long! I am trying to loose him now but I don't know how he really feel so whatever!

Fast Fact: I called Davontay last night to apologize,but he didn't answer,,,it was kind of late when I called anyways though/ When I seen him at school he was right by me and usually I would say hey but instead I quickly moved away from him and walked a different way!

~Ummmm....~

Princess

Mood:  a-ok

aw and i dont mean too put it all in yo face but u kno u made a big mistake by leavin me the way u did and now i understand how u felt when u said that i wud never get back wit u and how u moved on and shit without me u had a new boyfriend and everting but thanx 4 movin on cuz that encouarged me to move on 2 i tried to wait but i guess it was too long of a wait so i moved on myself i got a new girl finally i really like her im kinda in love but i dont mean to make u feel bad or nothin im jus thankin u cuz u made me wake up and really kno wat love is u introduced me to a real relationship and i wud never 4get u 4 that u made me more serious and mature i was in love wit u i wanted to spend the rest of my life wit u but u did me wrong and not to make u mad but like u told me dont say u love me say how u really feel cuz i kno u dont love me so dont say it cuz that is a strong word that means alot to sum ppl and when u tell me that u love me it brings up memories that i dont wanna remember it only bring up the times when u did me wrong so jus do me a favor and dont say u love me u made a mistake and u kno i thought i wud never get this feelin but honestly i dont love u no more i kno after u read this message u gone be real mad and probably not gone want to talk to me no mo but i hope u take this the rite way write back aight i jus wanna kno hoew u feel...........so i wud end this letter with a thank you 4 breaking my heart and leavin me u woke me up thanks demetria

well actually I am not mad at all in a way I am glad that you told me how you feel because honestly I did a self-check...and I wasnt in love with you just in strong like because when I am truly in love I would cry over the guy for months and be stuck on him which seems like forever and I did neither when we broke up so no I wasnt in love~I think I am now though because only this guy and my last love could make me cry every time I think of them and what went wrong but still feel it in my heart that I love him and just cant move on~although me and the guy hasnt broken up yet...I still cry because he just sometimes makes me sad but in a way its not so bad because I know that atleast I have really strong feeling for him that are ever so tru~...I hope that this girl you are with treats you right and you two share a long-lasting relationship with "true" love thats full of happiness and joy and I pray that no pain or tears come you two way...but if you ever need a friend when times get unbearable and you need somebody to talk to over the phone or sit and talk to you....you can always count on me! p.s~when I told you on the last message that I loved you I didnt mean in love with you I meant love as though a friend would love 'family-love'

Mood:  irritated

Omg I don't even freakin' care how I type this time because I am just so paranoid at the fact that Davontay doesn't want to be with me...he has a girlfriend! Who could possibly surpass me when it comes to being in a relationship, you suppose to look for happiness and when guys are in relationships with me they are always happy so he should just dump that girl....I sound selfish and arrogant but so what! This is how I feel right now, I am so enraged by this whole situation and very devastated! I mean like, I might have waited for too long to come back to him so he moved on but so what!! And so what that I am with Jay right now...when the going gets rough I just have to find a way out...and Davontay was my way out atleast I thought-but NO he is with some other girl! He should be happy that I chose him of all the guys I could have possibly picked in that school,with his ungracious self! I hate him! No I don't mean that,I just hate that he doesn't want to be with me...when will I be able to get my way...I wont dare go to Marquise..he knows too much about me for one and would know that I am cheating on him but Davontay has no knowledge of my life outside of school so he couldn't possibly know that he was being played unless one of my friend would tell~and I highly doubt that~I am just so mad! I was about to cry but you know what??Never will I cry over something like that,he's a great guy and all but his unibrow is UGLY! Oh my Goodness I didn't mean that...I don't want to trash talk him because I can't get my way...but he made me so frustrated! I even ripped up the poem I wrote him asking him to be my boyfriend...I like totally wasted my time writing that for him...not once have the thought of him being involved in a relationship crossed my mind...I should have thought before I put that destructive plan into action! I don't know what to do now...I can't even talk to him anymore because I might just get so mad that I treat him...so when I see him in the hallways or afterschool I aint going to even acknowledge him, smile at him, or even look his way...and if he speaks to me I will just wake and rush away! He makes me so sick!

Fast Fact: I called Akeem and apologized to him yesterday for cutting off connections with him and I don't think I want to be with Jay anymore nothing is the same!

~Hate People and Life~
Princess